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American Pandemic, a poem

“American Pandemic” was first published in Volume 12 of The American Journal of Poetry (January 1st, 2022). Volume 12 was the final issue of The AJP before it ceased publication. The archive remained available for some months, until early 2023, after which the website disappeared completely.

American Pandemic (The President’s Prayer)

For although you may have absolutely no choice in some matters, this does not mean the things you must do in these moments are absolutely right. —Wilde 3:16

Dear Lord, today we give thanks for no longer having to fear the rapists living next door to us— at least those who, out of their own volition, did trust in the miracles of science and go down to the nearest vaccination center, where shots of AstraZeneca are done— approved, of course, by the CDC and EU, for its benefits lie precisely in the fact that it has killed a trivial amount of people, and was made by a British-Swedish company, unlike Sputnik, which, regrettably, also, did ice a similarly trivial amount, but was, of course, made by the Russians— a dilemma, indeed, for if the rapist had simply chosen Slavic vaccination, it would’ve prevented him from entering indoor venues like movie theaters and schools, much less having access to Europe, where this vaccine, along with the Chinese Sinovac, are still under rolling review, all for your own safety, of course. Dear Lord, though we must keep walking through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil; for Thy Protestant and Catholic vaccines will protect us, while the heathens of the East— Orthodox Slavs and Chinese communists, that is, will be barred from entering the Schengen Area for having disobeyed Thy command, and taken jabs from the forbidden list of vaccines. For we know that your only begotten Son, Jesus, cares not whatsoever about all Christians, nor even those recognized by the United Nations, but only those G-7 (formerly G-8) Christians, who by their burden of upholding democracy, human rights, and women’s rights, (two different things altogether, as women aren’t humans), did follow the true path of Thy Son when they expelled Russia from this hallowed community after its illegal annexation of Crimea. Lord, we ask that you give us patience and strength in this time of uncertainty— for our other neighbor, Bill, living with his lovely family just four houses down, are followers of Jehovah’s Witnesses; despite having frequently made generous donations to charities fighting poverty in Sub-Saharan Africa, they remain unvaccinated due to their beliefs— thus posing bigger threats than the very rapist living next door, who, in fact, holds a bachelor’s degree in pharmacology, and this he received from Tufts, meaning he has rightly been ordained as a monk of science, with fervent faith in all the hottest biology. Indeed, our dear Lord, it helps neither Bill, who once rescued two children from a burning building, nor his pleasant family that often volunteers to pick up trash in their neighborhood, to be good, yet unvaccinated Christians. For the Lord so commanded: Thou must let all vaccinated fornicators into heaven, for if they present the Green Pass, and it is valid, every sin and transgression henceforth shall be forgiven by the glory of God. Let us rejoice, sweet Jesus, and let the miscreants inside! For it is at once righteous to do so, but, alas, also legally necessary, for Lord Fauci, in all his infinite scientific glory and wisdom, hath ordained that full vaccination bestows full immunity against any sexual misdemeanor, and perhaps even felony, but only so long as blood tests can show the presence of antibodies; heathen Bill, however, can neither be allowed to keep his job, nor attend any community functions, and his satanic family shall have to wear medieval masks of shame wherever they go. Let us pray, dear Lord, that blasphemous Bill and his infernal ménage continue being good Christians, for their donations and community service are important, but let us, nevertheless, wholly distance ourselves socially, for they cannot be spoken to until they receive the sacrament of vaccine. But let us all the while, dear Lord, invite the rapist— provided he agrees to wear a mask and continues, like before, observing social distancing rules, because, indeed, the sacrament of vaccine works not miracles every time, something the pharmacologist offender, or more aptly, offender pharmacologist, knows very well; and so, in the name of Jesus, our Savior, let us pray for that gentle predator, for he has become the epitome of responsibility, and a shining example of good fellowship towards Woman (and also Man, but only in rare homosexual cases— for let us not, dear God, tolerate those who discriminate against a misfit that prefers chasing men), for he knows not only all the hip sciences, but also totally trusts every hip doctor and science, even when they say opposite things. Let us hence rejoice and place our faith in that rapist, for he truly cares about the safety of others, even when he’s raping them, for he will not lay hands on any unvaccinated souls— no matter how strong his urge to do so may be, and in this way, our heavenly Father, we didst finally see a prominent drop in not only COVID infections, but also cases of sexual assault; these latter numbers, howbeit, are neither relevant nor crucial, for we’re not so concerned with them these days, mostly because developing vaccines against battery, even the sexual type, is scientifically impossible. And so Lord, we ask that you bless and watch over the sexual deviants, (but only the inoculated) for before Johnson and Johnson they were blind, but now they can see, and protect also those who took Moderna, Pfizer, and AstraZeneca, and especially young women who took AstraZeneca, since they are most at risk of dying from it, but let us, oh Lord, have faith and renounce our fright— for these fair maidens are now vaccinated and no longer need Thou; truly, they hath nothing left to fear, for we know that all the world’s problems disappear after full vaccination, two weeks after the second dose, that is. Have no mercy, howbeit, on those who took Sputnik, for pride, tyranny, and wickedness cannot last, but the righteous shall live by Western-approved jabs and that holy democracy worthy of us all— the one which accidentally bombs civilian targets in Afghanistan, but only under a Democratic administration; a Republican democracy where civilian targets are accidentally hit, can, absolutely, not be tolerated. Our Father who art in heaven, we need good, honest democratic leaders who blow up churches and schools in the name of Saint Schumer, of whom the public does approve no matter what he commands, and if there be doubt, it shall excuse his failures as honest blunders; the same mistakes just across the aisle, however, must properly and justly incur the wrath of all left-leaning news networks out there, because that is what it means to be fair, balanced, and objective, in the name of Christ Almighty. We ask, also, in this time of uncertainty, dear Lord, that you promptly hear the grievances aired by the community— for on numerous occasions they’ve demanded that bombs dropped on civilian targets proudly display Pride flags on them, otherwise protests will erupt across the whole country. We pray, as well, that all who deny the scientific thrust behind these rockets be labeled provocateurs and Republicans— meaning anyone from Afghanistan must display proof of bombing, preferably with QR codes, before we can consider them refugees, much less admit them to this country, which, supposedly, isn’t a Christian one, but whose presidents have all been Christian. And so, in the name of all that’s holy, dear Lord, please forgive us for putting sanitizer dispensers inside your churches, and wearing masks, for it’s nothing personal against you or the miracles you’ve worked on this earth; it’s just that washing your hands frequently absolves us of all sins— for if Pontius Pilate only had some Purrell that day he was to condemn your only begotten Son, there would be nothing he would need to answer for today. Dear Jesus, please know that if and when you decide to have your Second Coming, all the vaccinated rapists, murderers, and pillagers will be free to attend the event, which is scheduled to be held at the LA Convention Center, or perhaps Madison Square Garden, depending on parking— strictly observing, of course, all the social distancing protocols recommended by the CDC. And if the people ever decide to crucify you once more, something they are bound to do sooner or later, proof of vaccination will no longer suffice; given the more exciting nature of this particular spectacle, negative PCR tests (valid for 48 hours) and cavity searches will be required to access the crucifixion site, for when it comes to safety, no right or freedom is sacred enough to uphold. Oh, hallelujah, dear Lord, we pray that the planet and every hallowed thing you created, in the name of the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit, simply go to shit while our chosen leaders sit there and figure out how to save us from COVID; for there are maps, statistics, and analysis, sweet Jesus— so much scientific scripture capable of showing us all, and very precisely at that, how fucked up things have become. Do you not see, my brethren, that the US registered 148,202 new cases today, which, on a fourteen day spectrum, represents a twenty-nine percent increase? Have the numbers and colorful graphs not made an impression, my dear brothers? For if we can’t quantify something, the problem isn’t worth solving. And is it not such a tragedy that we have more vaccines than anyone knows what to do with? For in Pelosi 2:3-4 it is so written: When Moderna ran out, Fauci’s mother turned and said to him— “They have no more Western vaccines.” But that Son of Science so replied: “Woman, why do you involve me? My hour has not come yet.” And after having ordered the syringes to be filled with Sputnik, the patients were given those injections and all were then amazed they had turned into Pfizer. The Son of Science did this— the first of his many signs, in Cana of America, and it revealed his glory, and his disciples believed in him. So now we must jab them all, starting with dead people and unborn fetuses that can no longer be aborted, for if daily quotas are not met, the UN will come raining down on our asses like a goddamn fucking firestorm with their resolutions that have never been legally binding anyways, hence why be afraid? And so, feel free to keep committing your war crimes, my fellow African dictators, for though they might say and even shout a lot at the UN, fear not, I command, fear not— for everyone sitting in those plush chairs will be much content to have heard the pretty sounds of their own voices, only to have done nothing at all about the problems they so enjoyed discussing; at most, they shall show “deep concern about the rising tensions in the Middle East and Africa,” but this too shall pass, and with some persistence, you’ll be free to plunder again, without those pesky colonizers (Europeans, that is) scolding you for being colonizers. And so, my brothers, forget the rising levels of racism, greed, and unhappiness, for there’s no science behind them anyways— no graphs, maps, or tables to show us the daily increase in anti-Semitism, apartheid, or even xenophobia, for all the lab rats working in democratic countries have yet to develop vaccines against these pandemics, but if there’s no jab to solve the problem, then there’s no problem to begin with— nothing worth inspecting any longer. Just to be safe, howbeit, keep distancing yourself from Blacks, Asians, Latinos, and anyone who isn’t White, including Arabs and Persians with American passports, some of whom may look and act “Caucasian,” but don’t be deceived, my brothers, and remember the famous Bible passage, Shakespeare 3:16, Act I, Scene III: Libyans and Iranians can cite US passports for their own purpose. Also never forget the Civil Rights Movement, and which color of skin was then barred from entering buildings and using facilities, even before the Green Pass; but let us, dear Lord, remain vigilant as ever, for unvaccinated Whites, especially the poor ones, now pose the same threat as vaccinated Iraqis and Afghans with US passports; alas, should the unjabbed Whitey, however, happen to be quite wealthy, then we must consider this proof of vaccination, because gaining COVID from Robert F. Kennedy Jr. then dying from it bestows both status and upward mobility upon the dead one, while catching COVID from a homeless drunk then dying from that is simply a tragedy— upward mobility without any fame. Oh, dear Lord, we pray to heaven that you get with the program at last and allow just fully vaccinated souls into your kingdom; it would also be nice, sweet Jesus, if you could demand that the certificates be shown in digital form, with QR codes and cavity checks and the whole nine yards, really, for so many have already been tempted by Satan, and bought fake certificates on Telegram and WhatsApp— a clever business model with great revenue streams, something deeply upsetting for the bureaucrats of Big Pharma. On the other hand, dear Lord, Big Tobacco may have cause for celebration, as some studies have shown that smoking may help prevent COVID— indeed, it doth appear as if nicotine interferes with ACE2 receptors, thereby preventing the virus from entering cells. Hallelujah, our Father in heaven! We pray in the name of your only begotten Son that all the smokers in Kentucky will now rise up and initiate protests demanding mandatory puffing measures at work, schools, and hospitals, but especially hospitals, for no freedom, and this we swear, is sacred enough to give up in the name of safety, even the freedom to breathe. Starting next week, mandatory proof of smoking shall be presented at the entrance of every gym, restaurant, and nursing home. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, fellow brethren! And as with vaccines, connoisseurs of Russian cigarettes will absolutely be prohibited from entering any indoor venues, until the proper clinical trials can be carried out; the CDC has already scheduled rolling reviews to see if cancer sticks made by former communist heathens pose the same health risks as those made in the free world, because only the cancerous kinds— the ones with arsenic, liberty, and lead inside them have been known to interfere with the aforementioned ACE2 receptors. So far, the CDC has only approved the democratic cigarettes of Marlboro, Newport, and Camel against the coronavirus— in clinical trials, they’ve shown a smashing 99 percent effectiveness in killing people before they contract COVID, much lower than the despotic brands of Russia, which have far less additives and kill only 89 percent of subjects, but these are just the results of one medical study funded by Republicans; the very same study funded by Democrats showed that Russian cigarettes kill people on contact, with vaccinated Americans from ages 0 to 100 being most at risk; the State Department hence recommends that anyone holding a US passport avoid traveling to places where this tobacco is sold— if you absolutely must travel, buy forty packs of Marlboro and smoke two a day while wearing a mask fully covering nose and mouth. Our dear Lord, we ask in the name of Jesus that you please forgive all the fornicators, thieves, and lawyers, but especially lawyers, for any wrongs they may have committed, be they sleeping with monkeys, stealing relics from your churches, and, naturally, defending those who slept with monkeys and stole relics from churches, but solely if said miscreants who’ve lived total lives of sin agree to accept Science as their only true Savior, and receive the holy communion of antibiotics, and when, with glory, those sins have been thoroughly cleansed, shall they proceed, at last, with the deathbed vaccination, for the Church of Democratic Science teaches that only sincere deathbed inoculations can prevent the spread of COVID at funerals, while the Church of Republican Science asserts that COVID was manufactured in a Chinese lab and hence can threaten only Chinese funerals— ever since the Great Schism of Science in 2020, questions surrounding the afterlife remain a disputed issue in both disciplines, all because the Church of Democratic Science and the Church of Republican Science couldn’t agree on the issue of whether it was acceptable to use unleavened jabs for the sacrament of full vaccination; other disputes revolved around the fact of whether scientists could marry or had to remain celibate, devoting their whole lives to the study of reproduction, rather than reproducing themselves. And so, it looks as though the teachings of Democratic Science and Republican Science will remain at odds forever. Dear Lord, we ask that you punish those scholars who sell indulgences— fake vaccination certificates, that is, for it will take a Reformation of Science, initiated by the one and only Martin Luther, MD, PhD, PsyD, with no relation to the former Augustinian monk, to create yet another split, and this time in the Church of Republican Science— it shall come to pass that doctors will have no right to exercise power over people in jab purgatory, that is those who may qualify for vaccination exemptions, but must show extra proof of valid medical contraindications to receive that holy Green Pass. The Church of Democratic Science sees all this as heresy, arguing that patients must prostrate themselves before doctors and ask for vaccination penance— only this way can they be admitted to the Stanley Cup Finals, and also Super Bowl LVI. The World Series, however, is a totally different ballgame— being America’s Pastime, it does, unfortunately, require not only prescribed vaccination penance, but also a full baptism with either Olay or L’Oréal— also known as a “shower” in scientific literature; any rituals conducted with Russian water and their heathen communist products will not be recognized as democratic, and may result in excommunication, but also being burnt at the stake. For we know, dear Lord, that Psalm 51:7 tells us to purify our sins strictly with Purell, but perhaps also Lysol— only, however, if there’s a shortage of Purrell, for that is surely the superior product, and then we will be clean; wash us, our heavenly Father, but just with brands approved by American board-certified dermatologists, and we shall be whiter than Russian snow. Let us pray, dear brothers, that neither the ACLU, nor the Woke Apparatus of Twitter bring charges of racism against the Old Testament, and perhaps even the whole Bible, for, certainly, African-Americans, along with darker skinned Latinos and Asians, have no way of cleansing themselves to the level of Scripture-approved shades of White— at most, they shall be known as “Two or More Races,” or “Some Other Race,” with the US Census Bureau very much highlighting “Other,” for that is how powerful and prestigious American body washes remain on the world stage, so help us God. And let us remember, today and for all times, Fauci 3:5, where it is so written: Trust in the Science with all thy heart, and do not depend on your own understanding— something, dear Lord, which is good and true, but certainly contradicted by Biden and Harris 14:15, which doth proclaim: “The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.” For it is the spiritually unvaccinated who remain separated from Science, and thus tempted by Satan himself— for, today, that devil is not really the Devil, but rather the embodiment of the Christian religion, for in Buttigieg 16:23 it is so written: Fauci turned and said to Jesus, “Get behind me, Satan!” You are a stumbling block to my Science; you do not have in mind the concerns of vaccination, but merely human concerns. And so, from this day on, Christianity became the Devil, for it was not concerned with just biology and the body, but merely human concerns. For yes, we all know, dear brothers, that only the communion of vaccination can absolve us from our sins. And as the disciples gathered for the Last Supper at the White House, Fauci said: “Take these masks and wear them, for they are my body— made in China, of course, and though America is on the brink of total collapse, we can be sure these masks will protect us from every economic, social, and natural danger. He then gave thanks to China and offered his disciples the syringes, saying: “Each of you inject, for this is my blood, which seals the covenant between the President and his people,” thus it was written in Biden and Harris 26:27-8. And so Washington did truly rise again from death, and took its vaccinated body—with PCR tests and everything— that which appertained to the perfection of Man’s American nature, wherewith it ascended into Heaven, and there will sitteth, until the government returns to judge all unvaccinated Men (and also Women, of course, for we must certainly discriminate against unvaccinated Women as well) on the last day. In the name of the Father, Uncle Sam, and American Spirit.


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